


Gamera vs. Santa Claus

by dragonmactir



Category: Gamera (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 12:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12342900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonmactir/pseuds/dragonmactir
Summary: Speaks for itself, really.  As does Gamera.  For the "Anything Goes" Challenge on the Cheeky Monkeys of Dragon Age forum.





	Gamera vs. Santa Claus

And so, after a long absence from the earth, Gamera the giant prehistoric Tokyo-sized energy-eating flame-breathing turtle returned to save the children of our planet from the most insidious danger that had ever stalked them.  Santa Claus.

 

Starting from his arbitrary home base near Okinawa, Japan, Gamara tucked his limbs and head into his carbonaceous shell and lit his unexplainable limb jets and spun off through the air to the North Pole, Santa’s base of evil.  He arrived in due time and landed in the snow outside.  The reindeer bucked and whinnied as he shrieked his imprecations at the door.

 

“Come out, Old Man!” Gamera said, and his mouth continued to move after his voice stopped.  “I have come to defeat your great evil!  You bring harm upon the children of the earth!  I am Gamera, Friend to Children!  I am their protector!  I will defeat you, and save the children!”  Again his mouth continued to move past the time his voice ceased to sound.

 

Santa, red suit and all, came stumbling out of the front door of the little Swiss chalet.  He blinked up at the towering turtle, shielding his eyes against the swirling snow as the reindeer continued to panic.  “Whoa, Blitzen, easy, Prancer…” he said, and his mouth moved too much, as well.  He called up to Gamera.  “I do not understand what you mean.  I am not harming the children.  I reward them for being well-behaved all year long.”

 

“You _bribe_ them, and then you fail to uphold your own rules.  You reward them whether they have been naughty or nice,” Gamera said.  “They know this, and so your bribery fails to illicit good behavior from them.  You have created generations of spoiled brats with hearts that know naught but greed and avarice.  I will stop you.  I will save the children so that they once more can learn of love and kindness and sharing.”

 

Santa blinked up at the turtle some more.  “How is it you can speak, Gamera?  You never could before.”

 

“I always could, but the people could not understand me.  You can understand me, because you are magical.  But that will avail you not, for I will destroy you nevertheless.  _Haikiba!”_ And Gamera leapt upward and came down hard on the lower edge of his shell, creating a powerful earthquake that split the glaciers and knocked the reindeer and Santa on their asses.  Gamera took a moment to perform the “Gamera Go-Go,” the dance he did whenever he scored a point against a foe.

 

Santa climbed to his feet.  From the doorway of the chalet, Mrs. Claus shouted _, “Sweep the leg, Nicky!”_

 

“You’re not the only one who can fight, Gamera.  _Hi-ya!”_ Santa said, and performed a flawless roundhouse kick that would have been highly effective had his opponent not been two hundred feet tall.  Instead, the impact crushed his heel.  He hopped on one foot crying in pain for a few moments until he regained composure.  He limped to the chalet door and looked back at Gamera.

 

“You are indeed strong, but I have seen all of your movies and I know all of your weaknesses.  I know all of the monsters that have fought you and how they nearly defeated you.”

 

“Nearly, but never have,” Gamera said.  “And how would that help you?  Those monsters are all dead now, they cannot fight for you.”

 

“No, but I have something just as good.  Official Limited Edition movie merchandise!  Stinky! Droopy! Doc!  Load the sleigh!  Quicky!  Chop chop!  _Oo,_ watch the foot!”

 

In a matter of moments the sleigh was in the air, and Gamera was at a disadvantage trying to keep track of the swift-moving reindeer flying about his head.  “First, how about the Official Guiron Shuriken, Gamera?  You really liked those, didn’t you?” Santa said, and threw a pair of giant pointy metal plates at Gamera’s face.  Gamera ducked down into his shell just in time.  “Oh, all right, then how about the Zigra Paralyzing Beam?”  He shot a laser gun at Gamera’s head but again the turtle ducked into his shell in time to negate the effect.

 

“Well, there’s always the Guiron Ginsu Knives,” Santa said, and pulled out a one-hundred foot butcher’s knife.  The sleigh dropped altitude and Santa sliced across Gamera’s undershell, scoring deeply.  Gamera shrieked and waved his arms.  One of them connected and knocked the knife out of Santa’s hands.  The sleigh caromed out of control.

 

“Ah ha!  I have you in my power now!” Gamera said, and his mouth kept moving.  “Fat man, prepare to die!”

 

“Noooo!” Santa said, and pulled out the Official Limited Gaos Laser and fired it at Gamera’s head.  It scored a deep wound, and Gamera bled dish soap blue, but the turtle was not dissuaded.  He opened his mouth and let out a great breath of flame, and it was Santa-kabobs for everyone.  A chorus of a million high-pitched Japanese children began to sing somewhere in the distance.

 

_1, 2, 3, 4, Kick that fat man out the door!_

 

_Gamera!  Gamera!_

_Gamera is really neat!_

_He is filled with turtle meat!_

_We all love you, Gamera!_

Gamera tucked his rear legs into his body and used his rear jets to propel himself into the air and off into the endless Arctic night.  Justice was served.  Violence was committed.  The children were safe.  The children were safe.


End file.
